Yesterday was by far the most difficult physical thing I have ever done. After breakfast we broke camp. Jeff went over our route with Kristi and me. We headed out and started off at a great pace. Kristi and I worked very well together. We did several small breaks as needed but kept the pace up and got further than we thought at the first break. By the time we stopped for lunch my shoulders were killing me. Our packs are extremely heavy. Even our instructors are commenting on how heavy our packs are at day 3.
At lunch we sat near a creek. We discussed our careers. Kristi is a dean of a private girls boarding school. I would NEVER have guessed that. I would have swore she worked at Macy’s! Kevin is a retired car dealer. Jen is going to be working for Baltimore’s Outward Bound program in the city. Wendy works in fashion. Betsy teaches 4th grade. Jeff works at Yosemite Institute – teaching. Ryan worked in marketing before coming to OB and has also worked in the private guide industry. We got a lot of good laughs out of guessing careers. Then, time to pack up and head out again.
After lunch we had a steep incline. Towards the top I started hurting very badly. To the point I just wanted to sit in the middle of the trail and cry. We took a packs-off break. I moved away from everyone. Kristi came over and rubbed some lotion on my shoulders. That’s all it took for the tears to flow. Jeff came over to talk to me. He asked me if it was the pain or the fact that it had started thundering. I really think I was okay thunder-wise, though I’m terrified of lightning. I was in too much pain to think about it. I told him it was the weight of my pack and that my shoulders were hurting extremely bad. Somehow I’d ended up with more group gear today and my pack was even heavier. Jeff told me Ryan had room in his pack and that he could take some of my stuff. I balked. I am someone who will NOT give up or accept defeat. To me, asking someone to take some weight when we already had so much each was out of the question. Jeff said he’d already taken weight from someone and that Ryan’s pack wasn’t as heavy as the rest of ours. He told me the offer was out there and then left me alone to work it out with myself.
Kristi called for packs-on. I looked at my pack and realized I could not pick it up and walk. I almost started crying again. Instead, I sucked it up, swallowed my pride and said “Ryan – can you come here for a second?” Ryan and Jeff looked at each other and I heard “YES!” Ryan said sure and came over to squat in front of me. It took me forever to say “Is there any way you can take some of my weight?” He said absolutely and we started to go through my pack. He took the big, bulky, heavy items – the pot/pan/lid and my helmet with my tarp inside. It felt like 5 or 6 pounds. I repacked and we hit the trail.
It took all of two steps before I felt completely defeated. I came here to prove how strong I was. Prove it to myself – no one else. Instead, I felt like I’d just proven how weak I was. I felt like I just ruined my goal for the whole trip. A couple of hours later as we looked for a campsite, I found myself walking with Jeff. I told him how I was feeling. Instead of saying “no – that’s not right” he told me that whatever I felt was how I felt, but that he didn’t think that was an accurate statement. He validated my feelings but at the same time let me know that he didn’t see it the same way. My respect for him grew tremendously. We processed it a bit and then went to the group selected campsite. When we got to the site, I walked over to where Jeff & Ryan were talking about the map so that I could get my gear back from Ryan. As I was reaching for it, Jeff asked me if he could share with Ryan what we talked about earlier. I said sure and Jeff told him how I felt defeated because Ryan had carried some of my gear. We talked about it for a few minutes and I went back into camp.
Wendy cooked dinner tonight and it was awesome. Stir-fry vegetables, tuna, garlic bread made from leftover bagels, beans & rice, and cheese. Weird combination, but it was delicious! Several people pitched in to help get dinner ready faster. Wendy was all about presentation, so it was funny to watch how she directed the “kitchen” as if we weren’t in the middle of nowhere.
We had missed our intended campsite and had stopped around 6 PM to camp at this site. I again got to sleep under a tarp. This time I helped Jen put it up and realized I’d remembered the knot we were supposed to use – the taut line hitch. After dinner I was dying and ready for bed. Evening circle went fairly quickly, though we were fighting the mosquitoes. Most of us had on our mosquito nets and more than one layer of clothes – because they were biting THROUGH our clothes! I tried to conceal my displeasure when someone suggested we have story time. I sat through the first story and then Jeff said that anyone could go to bed whenever they chose. I said thank you, Wendy said goodnight to me, and off to bed I went.
I had a weird dream. Two actually. One was us on the course at a campsite and a bear came through. I woke up because I think I called out. The other dream happened right before I woke up. I was with a native, he showed me something similar to the art Stacy had in her garage, and then I felt like I was flying. But I was flying through a diorama of Lakota history. Afterwards, I was explaining to my dad, Nellie, Bob & Ginny Gibson and their family (who I haven’t seen in YEARS), and several others about the Battle of Little Bighorn and the Wounded Knee Massacre. I was explaining “the Battle of Little Bighorn was seen as a black eye in American history. But the Massacre at Wounded Knee was much, much worse. More devastating.” Then I woke up.
This morning as I was thinking about my “defeat” yesterday, I came to a conclusion. I think it took a heck of a lot more strength for me to admit I needed help than it did for me to keep going pretending everything was okay. I realized that a stronger person can swallow their pride and admit their weaknesses.
It’s cold this AM but some mosquitoes are already stirring. Along with a couple of birds attacking something over in the bushes. It’s very noisy, but everyone else is still asleep.
I am leader today and Betsy is navigator. I would much rather stay in bed. I’m sure nothing will be as bad as yesterday, but I’m just beat. Tomorrow is solo. More about that later. Not sure if I can’t wait to get on solo or if I’m scared to death.
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