Day 5 - July 10, 2008 - mid-day

This morning I boiled water for breakfast for everyone and tried to organize my things. We all went down and into the lake. It was wonderfully cool. So refreshing – again. We went back up to camp, packed for our solo and met together. Jeff and Ryan went over the guidelines for our solos. As they were talking, all I was thinking about was how I couldn’t wait to get on this trip and have 24 hours of peace and quiet away from Don and the boys and now I can’t wait to get home and have 24 hours WITH them! I’m a little apprehensive about tonight, so I was teary again this morning.

Jeff took Wendy, Kevin and Kristi to their sites because they were the farthest away. Then Ryan took Jen, Betsy and me to our sites. Kevin, Wendy and I are the only ones doing the full solo. The other three will be picked up at 8 PM.

My site is the closest to camp. It’s actually very nice. I have a clear area where I can sleep, easy access to the lake, a great sitting rock right on the water, and some bigger rocks around for privacy. There are a group of teenagers on the lake and they are a little loud, but otherwise it’s very tranquil.

I didn’t know what to do when I first got to my solo site. So, I set up camp. First I put up my tarp – which took a while. I took a break and looked at all of my pictures on my camera from so far in the trip. Then I emptied my pack and took my food and stuff to my “kitchen.” I took all of my clothes out of my pack and went down to the sitting rock on the lake to wash them. After laying them out to dry I went back and ate a granola bar and drank some lemonade. I organized the rest of my gear, lathered on sunscreen and went to sit on the rock. So here I am writing on the rock with my feet dangling in the water. I have bees, ants, flies and mosquitoes surrounding me, but they aren’t really bothering me. It’s nice to finally have some time for me.

We are supposed to write a letter to ourselves. It will be collected and then mailed to us in 6 months. Then we’re supposed to list our year, decade and lifetime goals. Since I have a LOT of time to write and think, that should be no problem. I’m going to work on the letter now.

Day 5 - July 10, 2008 - early AM

WHAT was that I said about nothing could be as bad as yesterday?!?! I think I said “I’m done” and “I want to go home” at least 10 times yesterday. In all honestly, I really AM ready to go home.

Yesterday was SUPPOSED to be a little easier than day 4. We were supposed to hike 1.5-2.0 miles on the trail, with ¾ of it being a steep incline. Check. Then we were to go off-trail to get to the top of a peak. Check. It was supposed to be a gradual incline. Gradual?? An hour after going off trail we reached the summit. It was breath-taking. It was absolutely beautiful. I wanted to stay there overnight. We were given that option, but everyone else wanted to go to camp by the lake so we didn’t have to hike at all today. Fine – whatever. We then had to hike 1.5 miles down the mountain to the lake. Easy enough, right?? Three miles later we’re scrambling over boulders with our 50 pound packs. We hurried down the initial ridge because it started thundering. I was in pain. I was so tired I was stumbling. I was scared. I was frustrated. I was disappointed. I was ready to bite the head off of the next person who complained because THEY were the ones who wanted to do this hike tonight instead of staying on the ridge. I was feeling very alone. I was leader for the day, but with everyone racing down the hill at their own pace, it was impossible. I think I did fine up until we reached the summit of the ridge. It was all downhill from there – no pun intended.

I twisted my ankle in a mole hole as we raced down the ridge. Then, as we started scrambling over the boulders, I hurt my knee – several times – on the same leg as the ankle. I was in excruciating pain. I wanted to stop, sit down on a rock, cry, and demand that they carry me out of this place. But, since that was highly unlikely, I tried my hardest to suck it up and keep going. That worked till we started up and across more boulders. “It’s just over that ridge” was said 3 times. After ridge 3, I STILL didn’t see a lake. Jeff told me if it got too bad to drop my pack and he’d come back for it. One girl had already done so. Another was crying off and on as we climbed. Another was questioning the safety and sanity of what we were doing. The other two were loving every minute of it. Go figure. Without the pack and minus the pain, I’d have loved it too.

We stared going uphill again. With our packs. Over the rocks. Jeff stopped everyone and told them to drop their packs and keep climbing. Ryan came and took my pack from me. I was MUCH better at that point and even started to help others, trying to laugh and enjoy it as much as I could despite the pain. We then got back to our packs and had to go on up a slight slant of rocks. I was okay for about 10 minutes. Then I just hit a wall. I couldn’t take another step. I looked up at Ryan, tears streamed down my face and I said “Ryan – I’m so done with this pack.” He said “Drop that brick!” I smiled through the tears and pain and Kevin helped me get rid of the pack. We were maybe 300 yards from the end of the rocks, so I knew the guys wouldn’t have to carry my pack far, but I still felt bad. However, once again, without the weight of the pack, I was fine. I enjoyed bouldering across. Betsy was still struggling a bit, so I stayed back with her as the others went on. Step by step I led the way to the end. We slowly made our way to the big rock. At some point I started feeling very dizzy and lightheaded. I hadn’t eaten or had water in hours. I mentioned it to Ryan as he got back to us from shuttling packs. By the way – only two people ended up carrying their packs the whole way across the rocks. It was TOUGH. By far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Anyway, Ryan jumps to his pack, grabs some trail mix and has Betsy and me eat some before taking another step. Then, he jets off with two packs, hopping across rocks. Show-off. Jeff comes back to us. I knew I could have been in camp by this point, but Betsy needed me. I knew I could help her while Jeff & Ryan finished shuffling the packs to camp and helped the group set up camp. So, I went slow and tried to enjoy the sunset. Any other time it would have been spectacular. When Jeff gets back to us he grabbed a Nalgene from my pack and makes us drink. The three of us finished off the whole bottle in a few minutes. We were maybe 10 minutes from camp at this point. I started to move Betsy a little faster. We FINALLY made it to the end of the rocks. Jeff led us into camp and I stumbled to a rock and just sat down. I couldn’t do a thing. I just sat there. Jeff came over to me to see if I was okay and asked if I wanted to go down to the water with him. I nodded and followed him to the lake. When we got there, Jeff dove in. I thought it looked pretty inviting, so I planned to wade in. I got tripped up on a rock and ended up fully in and soaked. It felt SO good. It was SO cold but very refreshing. I got out, dried off, got my boots back on and grabbed my water bottle. Jeff and I talked on the way back into camp.

I asked him if he & Ryan were as frustrated about the day as we were. He said yes. He told me that they never intended to have a day like that but knew we’d had to get to the lake. There was no other option. He also said he was so thankful that the campsite was right at the end of the rocks. I laughed and said if we’d had to hike more after the rocks that he & Ryan would have had a mutiny on their hands. He agreed.

So Jeff and Wendy fixed dinner. I didn’t think I was hungry or that I even wanted to try to eat. Ryan helped me fix my tarp. At dinner, Jeff just spooned a spoon into everyone’s bowl. I ate what he gave me – and it was actually pretty good. During dinner, we processed the day. The guys had built a campfire. It was nice. We started relating things from the day and from the course to our lives in general. I just sat and listened – trying to stay awake. Around 11 – we went to bed. I didn’t sleep great, but it was better than the previous two nights.

I’m still in a lot of pain, but we don’t have to hike today. We’re having an easy morning – swimming in the lake, etc. Around 10 AM they are going to put us on our solo spots. We have a choice of 10 AM – 8 PM or 10 AM – 8 AM. I am really thinking I want to do the full 22 hours of solo. I think I need it right now. After yesterday, I think I can actually get through it too. We’ll see.

Day 4 - July 9, 2008

Yesterday was by far the most difficult physical thing I have ever done. After breakfast we broke camp. Jeff went over our route with Kristi and me. We headed out and started off at a great pace. Kristi and I worked very well together. We did several small breaks as needed but kept the pace up and got further than we thought at the first break. By the time we stopped for lunch my shoulders were killing me. Our packs are extremely heavy. Even our instructors are commenting on how heavy our packs are at day 3.

At lunch we sat near a creek. We discussed our careers. Kristi is a dean of a private girls boarding school. I would NEVER have guessed that. I would have swore she worked at Macy’s! Kevin is a retired car dealer. Jen is going to be working for Baltimore’s Outward Bound program in the city. Wendy works in fashion. Betsy teaches 4th grade. Jeff works at Yosemite Institute – teaching. Ryan worked in marketing before coming to OB and has also worked in the private guide industry. We got a lot of good laughs out of guessing careers. Then, time to pack up and head out again.

After lunch we had a steep incline. Towards the top I started hurting very badly. To the point I just wanted to sit in the middle of the trail and cry. We took a packs-off break. I moved away from everyone. Kristi came over and rubbed some lotion on my shoulders. That’s all it took for the tears to flow. Jeff came over to talk to me. He asked me if it was the pain or the fact that it had started thundering. I really think I was okay thunder-wise, though I’m terrified of lightning. I was in too much pain to think about it. I told him it was the weight of my pack and that my shoulders were hurting extremely bad. Somehow I’d ended up with more group gear today and my pack was even heavier. Jeff told me Ryan had room in his pack and that he could take some of my stuff. I balked. I am someone who will NOT give up or accept defeat. To me, asking someone to take some weight when we already had so much each was out of the question. Jeff said he’d already taken weight from someone and that Ryan’s pack wasn’t as heavy as the rest of ours. He told me the offer was out there and then left me alone to work it out with myself.

Kristi called for packs-on. I looked at my pack and realized I could not pick it up and walk. I almost started crying again. Instead, I sucked it up, swallowed my pride and said “Ryan – can you come here for a second?” Ryan and Jeff looked at each other and I heard “YES!” Ryan said sure and came over to squat in front of me. It took me forever to say “Is there any way you can take some of my weight?” He said absolutely and we started to go through my pack. He took the big, bulky, heavy items – the pot/pan/lid and my helmet with my tarp inside. It felt like 5 or 6 pounds. I repacked and we hit the trail.

It took all of two steps before I felt completely defeated. I came here to prove how strong I was. Prove it to myself – no one else. Instead, I felt like I’d just proven how weak I was. I felt like I just ruined my goal for the whole trip. A couple of hours later as we looked for a campsite, I found myself walking with Jeff. I told him how I was feeling. Instead of saying “no – that’s not right” he told me that whatever I felt was how I felt, but that he didn’t think that was an accurate statement. He validated my feelings but at the same time let me know that he didn’t see it the same way. My respect for him grew tremendously. We processed it a bit and then went to the group selected campsite. When we got to the site, I walked over to where Jeff & Ryan were talking about the map so that I could get my gear back from Ryan. As I was reaching for it, Jeff asked me if he could share with Ryan what we talked about earlier. I said sure and Jeff told him how I felt defeated because Ryan had carried some of my gear. We talked about it for a few minutes and I went back into camp.

Wendy cooked dinner tonight and it was awesome. Stir-fry vegetables, tuna, garlic bread made from leftover bagels, beans & rice, and cheese. Weird combination, but it was delicious! Several people pitched in to help get dinner ready faster. Wendy was all about presentation, so it was funny to watch how she directed the “kitchen” as if we weren’t in the middle of nowhere.

We had missed our intended campsite and had stopped around 6 PM to camp at this site. I again got to sleep under a tarp. This time I helped Jen put it up and realized I’d remembered the knot we were supposed to use – the taut line hitch. After dinner I was dying and ready for bed. Evening circle went fairly quickly, though we were fighting the mosquitoes. Most of us had on our mosquito nets and more than one layer of clothes – because they were biting THROUGH our clothes! I tried to conceal my displeasure when someone suggested we have story time. I sat through the first story and then Jeff said that anyone could go to bed whenever they chose. I said thank you, Wendy said goodnight to me, and off to bed I went.

I had a weird dream. Two actually. One was us on the course at a campsite and a bear came through. I woke up because I think I called out. The other dream happened right before I woke up. I was with a native, he showed me something similar to the art Stacy had in her garage, and then I felt like I was flying. But I was flying through a diorama of Lakota history. Afterwards, I was explaining to my dad, Nellie, Bob & Ginny Gibson and their family (who I haven’t seen in YEARS), and several others about the Battle of Little Bighorn and the Wounded Knee Massacre. I was explaining “the Battle of Little Bighorn was seen as a black eye in American history. But the Massacre at Wounded Knee was much, much worse. More devastating.” Then I woke up.

This morning as I was thinking about my “defeat” yesterday, I came to a conclusion. I think it took a heck of a lot more strength for me to admit I needed help than it did for me to keep going pretending everything was okay. I realized that a stronger person can swallow their pride and admit their weaknesses.

It’s cold this AM but some mosquitoes are already stirring. Along with a couple of birds attacking something over in the bushes. It’s very noisy, but everyone else is still asleep.

I am leader today and Betsy is navigator. I would much rather stay in bed. I’m sure nothing will be as bad as yesterday, but I’m just beat. Tomorrow is solo. More about that later. Not sure if I can’t wait to get on solo or if I’m scared to death.

Day 3 - July 8, 2008 - EARLY AM

My fingers are FREEZING so it’s hard to write.

Yesterday we stayed in camp a while to enjoy breakfast, go over first aid, repack the bear cans and do a service project breaking down two fire rings. Then we set off with our 50+ pound packs, knowing that we only had to go about 2 miles. It was slow-going because of the weight we were carrying, but it was downhill. A park ranger passed us and asked if we had bear cans. We laughed and said “OH YEAH – we have them!” We were all struggling under the weight of them!!! We were more than positive they were in our packs!

We got to a crossing and Jeff starts singing “Signs, signs, everywhere signs.” I thought “okay – now I KNOW I’m where I’m supposed to be, with who I’m supposed to be with, doing what I’m supposed to be doing.” I wanted to pick up the phone and call Stacy and tell her about it – and then reality hit and I realized I was in the middle of nowhere with no contact with the outside world.

We made it to a beautiful creek and spent some time relaxing and playing in the water. It felt great. Then Jeff told us to split up and find a good campsite along the water for the night. Ryan, Kristi & I found a site right near the water and the whole group came over and dropped their packs there. We got out our day packs with water and basics, and went on a 4 mile hike. I was feeling out-of-sorts and when I had a second to talk to Jeff I asked him if he thought it was the elevation, the heat or lunch. I was lightheaded and sick to my stomach. He thought it was all three. Add in my attitude problem and it wasn’t a winning combination. However, I pushed through without too much complaint. In fact, other than Jeff and Ryan, I don’t think anyone knew I was feeling bad.

After two miles we stopped at the base of a dome and went over topo maps. I was a little distracted because of feeling bad, but managed to do the activity.

Afterwards, we were given a choice. We could go back to camp, have some time alone, and relax, or we could try to summit the 7900+ foot dome. As much as I wanted to go back to camp and pretend the day was over, I knew I needed to do something to challenge myself and get myself in gear for the week. So, despite the yucky feeling, I went with Wendy, Kevin and Jeff on an uphill push to the summit. It was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. We STARTED at the highest elevation I’d ever climbed (Mount Mitchell) and went straight UP! Jeff pushed us really hard and fast because he wanted to get back to camp before dark. It hurt to breathe. I struggled. But I was determined to make it to the top. 25 minutes later we were standing on top of the dome. If I’d known initially it’d be that short of a hike, I’d have JUMPED at the chance to do it. I felt like I’d really accomplished something and it gave me the boost of confidence I needed to get through the rest of the week. We spent some time at the top taking pictures, talking, and trying to spot the group hiking back to camp. Then we ran (literally) back down to camp and I started dinner. We got back just shortly after the other group and no one had started cooking yet. I was a little frustrated with some of the team dynamics, but like Jen said, the hiking isn’t our only challenge here.

After dinner we hurried through cleanup and went to sit beside the creek for evening circle. Circles are another big thing on this trip. Another sign? During circle Wendy had us list 5 things that we thought we could not live without. My 5: my faith, my family – especially my kids, my support network of friends, the outdoors or a place to escape the busy world – my sanctuary if you will, and music (because I constantly have songs playing in my head). Ryan said one that stuck in my mind – freedom. Another thing that stuck in my mind is Kristi and I had the same top three – in the same order. Must be the name.

We went to bed and this time I had a tarp. Thanks to Jeff & Ryan showing the group how to put one up. I was the only one who chose to sleep under a tarp. Oh well – it’s my safety net. Unfortunately, I was really hot the entire night and the ground felt harder than it did sleeping on the rock the night before. I did get some sleep though. I got up and took a bath. That’s right – a bath. Remember that creek I mentioned we slept beside? I dunked my hair in the creek, took a bucket of frigid water from the creek, my soap, and my bandana, went behind some big boulders and stripped and cleaned one section at a time. As freezing cold as I was (and am), it felt SO good to be clean and smell clean. I even washed my hair! Now I’m really glad I cut it short the day before the trip started in Fresno. I put on all of my warm clothing (except I can’t find my gloves and don’t want to wake the others by rummaging through my pack) and I came down here to the water to write in my journal.

I am the navigator today and Kristi is the leader. We have about 7 miles to hike but I think they might shorten it because some people are really struggling with the weight. They warned us today would be a hard day.

As I’m writing this I hear deer all around me and it reminds me. We had deer in our camp last night – bucks with new antlers that still had velvet on them. Then at evening circle I’m trying to say my 5 things and there is a noise behind me. It was a deer grazing VERY close to our circle. Jeff said “we definitely have a couple of totem animals on this trip.” I just stared at him. I wondered if he had a connection to the natives or if that was just a random comment. He and I were talking earlier in the day about Manzanita and how the natives used to use it for their pipes. Hmm…

I am going to get some water started for breakfast. Until the next moment I have to myself…

Day 2 - July 7, 2008 - EARLY in the AM

I’m alive! I didn’t sleep much, but when I couldn’t sleep it was kind of cool to look up at the millions of stars overhead. Between that and thinking about Camp Tatanka, I was pretty calm.

Last night Ryan fixed our dinner. It was good. Pasta with red sauce and some spices. This morning I am in charge of breakfast. I also have to pick out lunch for today and plan dinner for tonight. At least it’s a job I can do!

It’s cool and beautiful this AM. I’m hoping today is much better than yesterday! We’re supposed to do 5 miles, but some of that is with just day packs and not our 55 pound packs.

Day 1 - July 6, 2008

Today was SO much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Before we even got to the trail with our packs I was ready to go home.

When we met at the airport I was still weepy after saying goodbye to my boys one last time. The thought of not seeing them or even being able to talk to them for a week was unbearable. A couple of the girls noticed that I was struggling to hide the emotions and were very sympathetic and understanding. Turns out another girl had left a 2 year-old boy at home. The rest had kids that were older or no kids at all.

During the 2 ½ hour van ride, most people talked quite a bit. We weren’t allowed to talk about our careers/jobs, so it was funny to hear people stumble along as they tried to converse without saying where they worked. We got to Yosemite Park and grabbed our water and cameras as the instructors piled us out of the van and up a trail to Sentinel’s Dome. As we walked, some continued talking. Others started huffing and puffing at the change in elevation. Once we got to the top of the dome we could see Yosemite Falls, Half Dome, El Capitan, Nevada Falls, and the area we’d be backpacking in. It was tough to go from sea level to the top of the 8000 foot dome, but totally worth it. One weird thing that happened at the top was we watched a squirrel attack a baby ground squirrel. It was violent, but part of the circle of life. Some of the girls were really bothered by the event. I have to admit as I watched the mother ground squirrel try to fight off the bigger squirrel and then mourn over the loss of her baby, it was sad.

We left Sentinel’s Dome and went to the Bridal Veil Campground. There, we had lunch waiting on us and were then divided into two groups. My group consisted of leaders Jeff and Ryan, a girl named Jen that I’d ridden to Yosemite beside in the van, Kevin – from Mechanicsburg, PA - our only guy and one of our older two participants, Betsy – ALSO from Mechanicsburg, PA - the oldest participant on this course ever, Kristi – from Monterey, California, Wendy – from NYC, and me. All but Betsy had previous experience on an Outward Bound or other similar course. The other group had Paul from Houston, Bev & Sue from NY, Margaret from CO, Kerry from Boston, and leaders Jason – who met us at the airport, and John – an Outward Bound veteran.

As we packed our gear I got VERY frustrated. I’d had no trouble going through my stuff and leaving things behind, but even with less than the minimum required gear, it wasn’t fitting. I had two group fuel cans, a group pot & pan, a bag of bagels, and a huge bear can filled with food. I’d never carried so much stuff on a one-week backpacking trip in my life. No matter how I tried I could NOT get the stuff into my backpack. I finally had to walk away. I walked to the bathroom at the campground and just let the frustration take hold. I was trying not to cry but it was useless. I was missing my boys already, tired, frustrated from the pack, and wondering what in the world I was doing there. A couple of other girls – Bev & Sue from the other group and Kristi from my group also came in the bathroom, and they helped me calm down and let me know they were just as frustrated. Kristi and I walked back to our packs and she & Ryan helped me cram all 55 pounds of gear into the pack.

My group loaded into the van and headed to the Mono Meadow trailhead. As I watched Lea – the van driver – pull away, I wanted to cry again. There went my last chance to escape and go home. Once we started walking though, I was absolutely fine, though my pack was very heavy and uncomfortable. We hiked about two hours. There were a lot of down trees and burnt areas. The instructors made the decision to camp on top of a granite slab at the top of a ridge. Then a bombshell… Ryan and Jeff said “no tarps tonight.” I almost lost it. It was bad enough coming on this trip being told we only had tarps, no tents. Now their telling me I get nothing but my sleeping bag and pad and the wide open wilderness. I am trying to hide my discomfort and am going to go help set up camp. If I survive the night, I’ll write more tomorrow.